Category: Life
The things I’ve learned about in my personal relationships

The things I’ve learned about in my personal relationships

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I’m not going to name names in this blog post. If you’re reading this and you were in a relationship with me and you think that part is about you..it probably is and I don’t care. This blog entry is for myself and I’m sharing it publicly so maybe I can save a life or at least some misery. I hope this blog entry finds you well and I hope that you and I can learn something from this. I’m pretty stubborn and I’ll more than likely repeat the pattern but I’m writing it down hoping maybe I can save myself or someone from some form of self-punishment.

I’ve dated some women in my life, I believe it’s up to 13 now. Thirteen separate women and each one of them had their positives and negatives… some more negative and some more positive. With each passing relationship, there was always something different about it at the beginning but it usually ended up just about the same at the end. I’ve always been somewhat of a hopeless romantic and this caused me not to see straight. I thought being in love was a mutual thing, and while it is for a while, it always seems like the new wears off, not for me but it seems like for them the excitement runs dry and they start looking for greener grass. There’s been a few relationships that I’ve had where this wasn’t the case and those relationships ended differently.

Chances are, if your gut is telling you that your SO is cheating, I would have to say that 9 times out of 10, your gut is correct. There’s no point in finding out for sure, other than to meet your expectations, but if you strongly believe, even without 100% solid evidence that your SO is cheating. It doesn’t matter if they are or they aren’t, it’s the fact that you feel that way. If you feel that way, you need to step back from the relationship and evaluate yourself and why you feel that way. There’s no point in arguing it with yourself or your SO. Once you get this feeling, I can tell you it will never go away and you will beat yourself over it every single time. If you aren’t confident in your relationship, it might be best to admit defeat early on and get out of the relationship for both of you. If you have to live every day sneaking around going thru their phone, disseminating all their data, wondering, guessing and whatnot, then the relationship is already over. If you have to go to Gestapo means in order to find out the “Truth”, without a doubt you have just declared the relationship over-with. I can tell you that you are not going to be able to get good sleep with this cloud hanging over your head. This is just bad form, nobody in a relationship should be doing this and it shows that you don’t trust. When all trust is lost and you feel violated, there’s no sense in retaining what you think you have. You may as well start punching yourself in the face.

If your SO has admitted to cheating on you, even if the details are not that bad (“we just kissed”)… End the relationship immediately. No ifs, ands or buts. I can guarantee you that the second they found themselves alone in a room with someone else just “kissing” was the very second they didn’t give a shit about you or anything about you. I know this sounds abrupt and with no heart, but think about it…Why would they be alone with someone else? What led up to that point. How much time did it take to go from say sitting around a campfire to taking a long walk back to an empty bedroom. A lot of foresight has to go into this, whether you’re inebriated or not. Sure, we all do a lot of stupid things when we are drunk, but the one thing that’s for sure is you remember it.

If you are a piece of shit in the relationship… i.e. the cheater. At least have the balls to admit your faults and take your punishment. Sometimes it’s better to clear the air, than live in guilt the entire time. However, I think it’s more of a narcissistic move to withhold the truth from someone. While you think it’s guilt, I see it more of a power trip. You wish to hold a certain power over someone. I don’t know what kind of piece of shit that could hold a secret for over a year but I can tell you, it doesn’t feel good. Especially during that year when they’ve treated you like shit the entire time because they felt guilty. It really does take a low-life piece of shit to do that to someone. Take their guilt and make the other suffer for it. That’s not the way you treat someone.

“It’s much easier for me to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission”. I’ve heard this one before. This is the type of person that goes ahead and does something without discussing it with you. Because they want to feel independent and they want you to know that you aren’t their property. Which brings me to my next statement. If your SO refers to you differently to her friends or just other people as a benign party, a.k.a. (This is my partner), the relationship between you and them is over. The way they look at it is this. If I call you my girlfriend/boyfriend, it’s asserting some sort of property assessment over them. They feel like they are cattle or something that can be bought. They feel the “boyfriend/girlfriend” nomenclatures are a sign of property. If your SO refers to you as their partner, get out of that relationship immediately. They have no value or interest in you anymore and they are forcefully asserting their independence on you. However, if you also refer to your SO as your partner, you can ignore this, because both of you are stupid enough to be in a relationship to begin with.

And please… for god’s sake… Stop lying. Oh man, this is my biggest pet peeve. Personally, I’ve spent many years exploring body language and I know a lie when I see it. Especially when you’ve been caught red-handed. I won’t go into too much detail about this, but I think you know what I’m talking about.

If your SO has friends of the opposite sex, there’s not much cause for concern for this however there are some caveats. Personally, I have quite a few relationships with females that are not sexual, even when I was married. I believe that men and women can honestly be friends but on a real tip here. Men and Women can’t be friends together without some kind of sexual tension. Like myself, I find some of my female friends to be attractive and I wouldn’t mind having sex with them and I’m just being honest but I know how to control those feelings and I try really hard to treat them as a human being and not as a female. If you’re one of my female friends that we’ve never had sex..you know what I’m talking about. I respect you fully and I’d rather keep our relationship platonic because we all know what happens when sex is involved. lol Anyways, I can control these emotions fairly well. I feel that I can have a healthy platonic relationship with a female where sex is never involved or is barely mentioned. However, with women I’ve been in relationships before, this isn’t the case. I’m not saying all women do this, but I’m saying just about all the women I’ve dated have done this. Women know exactly who they want and they know exactly the ways to get what they want and when they want it. I know, you’re sitting there reading this saying “WTF Chris, you’re just disrespecting women all the way around, asshole”. Again, I know it sounds like a sweeping generalization, but try to use some empathy and see it from my shoes.

Honestly, every relationship I’ve ever been in, I’ve sunk too much time, effort and money into it and I’m really sick about my ROI. (Return On Investment) I’ve had to take big losses to try and find the one woman in my life that would stick with me til death, but i’m finding it more and more impossible. My problem has always been that I put all my eggs in one basket, hoping she wouldn’t screw me over and break all my eggs and eventually.. like humpty dumpty… I fall off the wall, break, and have to pick up the pieces only to rinse and repeat. I don’t blame them.. I blame myself. I blame myself for allowing them to have power/control over me. I should’ve never have allowed that to happen. And the next relationship, I’ll probably do it again, because I’m stupid and I just want someone to love me the same way I love them. It’s more than likely something I’ll never have, so I’ll keep trying until the last one buries me.

P.S. If you Grammar Nazi this post, You reserve the right to kiss my ass.

I’m not giving up, I’m giving in

I’m not giving up, I’m giving in

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This is a story about loss, my loss and if read correctly could be your gain. Consider this the last thing I give back to an unknowing society because I’m giving in, not giving up. I’m 49 years old, as a kid, I grew up during the 70s. I always said Yes Sir and No ma’am, tried to be respectable and I was always cognizant of the world around me. I cared about people I never knew or would possibly never know and this has been my steady decline. Again, this is a story about loss.

My life has always had its ups and downs and while I thought for a moment, back when, that it was other people’s fault.. the actual reality to it all was that everything was exactly my fault. I had always considered and toyed with the fact that others may be at fault for each predicament that fell through underneath my feet, and while for the majority of it, it was my fault for allowing such nefarious people to put such extreme sanctions and hardship on my life. I was so preoccupied with trying to make things right and fair that I was slowly nicking away at my sanity and liberty and I didn’t realize it. Took me 49 years for it to smack me in the face but hey, it’s a start, right?

I have to realize that I’m not the knight in shining armor, I’m not Superman, I’m not there to save the day. I’m not here to alleviate other people’s problems. I need to stop telling random people “If you need something, call me”. That has gotten me in more trouble than its worth. Because ultimately, 95-98% of the people in the world are out to succeed above you. These people will step on your head and heart to get where they are going and after they are done with crushing you, they look down upon your empty shell with pity, shame, and no remorse.. almost with piety and pretentiousness that you find yourself wondering what happened.

These people are to be avoided, at all costs, as if they have the plague. The problem with this is, some of these people are hard to detect. Which brings me to my next statement. Beware of narcissists. They are everywhere and they are very good at hiding their reality. The problem with “narcs” is how can you be nice to everyone without getting taken advantage of. You’d think that something like this would be simple but it’s not. Usually, the simplest action is the right one and in this case, the simple answer is “You can’t be nice to everyone“. People can and will take advantage of you if you allow them to. How does one find the balance to all this? If the world is full of people that will crush your life as opposed to the ones that will bring a sense of balance to your life. Again, You can’t be nice to everyone nor should you. Again, the simple thing to do is to evaluate every one of your relationships and figure out who was there for you and who wasn’t. If you are a narcissist and you are reading this, you are the lowest form of life. To take advantage of people’s goodwill and crush their spirit is probably some of the most despicable things you can do. To lie, cheat and steal is invariably some of the worst things you can do to someone that has rolled themselves out like a doormat and you took advantage of that to clean your boots.

To also take sides with a narcissist makes you an even ally of it. This means that you allow that person to take advantage of someone to ruin their life. This means that you agree with Narcissism. If you are reading this and I have personally shunned you in my life, it’s probably for this reason alone. Call me an asshole, call me mean… all this does is further how I feel about you because I know I’ve been nothing but nice to you and you still are the piece of shit you are and always have been. It’s not my loss, it’s your loss and if that makes me an asshole, then so be it, I’m an asshole. But understand this, I wouldn’t be an asshole if you hadn’t taken sides with a piece of shit and you are just that much of a piece of shit and so low to the ground that you can’t apologize. I don’t need you and have fun being manipulated by the narcissist and don’t come crying to me when they take advantage of you, because they will.